Sanity Tips Vo1. 1
Parenting is a lot. First, you have tiny people who are temperamental, don't know how to communicate, have a homing beacon toward harmful objects, and have major hygiene issues. But they're toddlers; they're supposed to be demegorgans. They still have chubby cheeks and will wear what you want (maybe?). It's exhausting, but you can frisbee most toddlers into bed by 7 p.m., and you can breathe for a bit.
Middle Schoolers? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It's the toddler years without the cheeks and a known bedtime. We as a society do a lot to support parents of younger children. There are books about helping a child's temperament, getting through the day, and loving ways to discipline. Remember, toddlerhood is hard. However, for parents of middle schoolers, it's pretty much, "Hey girl, best of luck, see you on the other side." <Side note: there are a lot of great parenting books for middle school kids. My favorite is Lord of the Flies.>
Like the terrible twos, parents know about puberty from an intellectual perspective. You lose your child at 12, you get them back when they're 25, and their brain is finally done developing.
I know.
And how do I survive those 13-odd years, you ask? While I'm not an expert on anything, here are a few tips:
1) Use the car ride to connect with your kid. Any middle schooler worth their salt will try to dump all their problems and anxieties on you at 9:42 p.m. local time. I can't pay attention at that hour, and who cares that someone gave them the stink eye in math? The best I can do is talk them down and pray they'll forget that part during therapy. HOWEVER, the car ride is your time. You're alert, they're trapped, and it's a good time to bond. Just keep them off the phone.
2) Try not to take everything personally; when in doubt, scream into a pillow. Despite my years dodging insult missiles hurled by students, nothing hurts more than your kid's comments. For real, it sucks, and it's tough not to turn feral. In those moments when I can keep my chill, I remind myself that this is a normal part of human development and that I control their car access when they turn 16. Play the long game.
3) Befriend their friends (not in a creepy way). I'm lucky that my kids have great friends. They're friendly, quirky kids who (most importantly) call each other out when they're obnoxious. I've known most of them since they were in preschool, and it's fun to watch them grow up. It's also essential for them to know that you see them as the people they're becoming. It takes a village, and sometimes, kids can hear the words from supportive adults better than from you. It's annoying, and it's the way it is. We're lucky that my kids have supportive adults in their lives. I couldn't do it without them.
4) Your kids aren't paying attention, except they are all the time. You're more important than ever. My favorite thing about middle schoolers is that they have the best BS sonar. They can smell insincerity from 100 yards. You could fake caring about Calliou (NOOOO!) with your toddler, but you can't fake being honest with your teen. They see you, and they see you make mistakes. My best lesson from teaching was learning to say, "sorry, I messed up, will you forgive me?" to 12-year-olds. Admitting that you're human reminds them they can trust you and, more importantly, that they can make mistakes, too. A middle schooler's life is a 24/7 internal spotlight on the "mistakes" they make. Show them how to give themselves grace, and you will receive grace yourself.
So there you go. Use these tips if they help; ignore them if they don't. You're doing a great job. Keep going.
